https://www.vlr.gg/pickem/034bd360

Let me cook now

PEAK FICTION INCOMING

And I don't mean stuff you enjoy that people think is cringe/bad

I mean stuff that makes you actually feel guilty for liking

Like your favourite movie being produced by the Weinstein Company or still listening to Lost Prophets

I think CyvOph, purp0, sh1n and chiwa are all around a way stronger core of fraggers than Apeks ever had plus starxo isn't bad so nah I don't think so

Bro the red Lewis Hamilton monster was straight ass, tasted like lighter fluid

Blue one bangs tho

Joblife up there as well, they're basically a team of former tier 1 players from last year and this year

Realest sentence I've ever seen

Still better than the red Lewis Hamilton monster tho

Chat GPT cooked with this one 🔥🔥🔥🔥 ts so tuff

I bet he regrets not choosing KRU now cuz imagine they had keznit Saadhak Mazino Melser and Shyy since the start of the season and made no changes

They'd probably be at Champs ngl

Is being the team to suffer the embarrassment of sending C9 to their first international event in franchising enough to be considered a tragedy or does something more comical need to happen to live up to BLG, cove incident, 12-5 etc etc

We save every roooooooooooound

You're nothing special, we save every round

Would deffo fit in with everything else on my playlist tbf

Too lonely for that to happen unfortunately

I used to account share with my dad but he stopped paying for premium, now I'm a big boy and pay for my own premium tho

Also nah bro can't go to therapy he did the Pikatoaster in the bathtub

Finally have Spotify again so I cooked this absolute banger of a playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0PxSa5HnkWTSacwjG2gZrJ?si=qqyuoZTiSZW3z42o7DHXEQ

fart

Gets mogged by trembo

I believe in the mental comeback for Champs

Weber and neilzinho have always managed to get the team to bounce back from low points

I reckon give him a split on full time senti and if he still doesn't look good bro's getting banished to the shadow realm on Nightblood Gaming

https://youtu.be/nn4Q6elnUls?si=HMy8bb2I9KFkWDR7

Ever since he put out this video every trophy has been won by an Asian team

What the helly has he unleashed upon this earth?

When will he make "Why Can't Team Heretics Win An Event?"

If you count ardiis as UK I'd take him over soulcas. I was really liking him on Breach and Kay/o in the first half of 2024

-Asuna -zander -Kess

+OXY +vora +skuba with Cryo to full time senti

100T poach OXY and put Cryo on full time senti to give Americas a small chance of unlocking a 3rd team that can consistently look competent

Honestly this roster would've been better trying Demon1 on senti over tex cuz tex has been straight dogshit this year

Americas mid table matchups will never cease to amaze me with how absolutely fucking atrociously muddy they are

Cloud9 finally not falling apart in the playoffs?

Frankly monumental ragebait

Senti is probably the role that benefits most from your ability to take isolated ones, play independently from your team and put pressure on people whilst minimising risk to yourself, which I think are all skills that are pretty easy to translate between duelist and senti

Granted some of this applies to smokes as well

Which is basically a way to say initiator is boring

Don't let the ranked players tell you smokes and senti are boring, initiator is the real cringe role where you depend mostly on your team

Yoru, Jett, Sova, Viper, Astra

From now on I dodge every time I get someone pick Sage on my team because I am sick to fucking death of having these fucking extra chromosome riddled elo terrorists go 3-76 in my games all seemingly suffering from fucking CTE because they're so unbelievably dogshit at the game all of them just cant fucking aim to save their lives stupid fucking cunts and thety always fucking insist they need to play Sage because they have the fucking tac fgps conception of a fucking mole raty wiht a brain tumour that their util usage would genuinely somehow be worse than fucking havoc and thnweyve fuckign deluded themselves into thinking evrry lobby "nEeDs A hEaLeR" because the only fps game they know is voerwatch and even then theyve never played the game before they just spoend 13 hours a day gooning to Mercy futanari bestiality and seem determined to spend the other 11 hpourts of their days terrorisiong my fucking ranked lobbies and trying to become the worlds first negative ACVS player fuckl pjiosvdkjnsvdcfnkjlsadcjlmnsdfjnkljkndfas knsdf\ nksdfk nbndfsbjhn cuytb cunt I ahte these fucking lobotomites get thgemn GONE WHYA RE THEY BUFFING SAGE FUCKCMJCKCKDCKNLMDAFSJNLKVSDMJNKNMK SD NKSDFNK SDFAN KN AFDSNBFDSAJHBNFDSJNHDFSAJNJNDSFJNFDSJNDFSNJFDNJASN FUCKING USELESS SHIT FUCKLING PLAYERS MAN SDJNFIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am the biggest hater of the Chamber is a duelist narrative

Lurking, hard anchoring and second entry player. Literally everything a sentinel does

Apeks are now:

Bankrupt (General Manager)

5 Finals Made

Chronicle (Masters Berlin 2021, Champions Berlin 2021, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023, Masters Tokyo 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

4 Finals Made

Boaster (Masters Reykjavik 2021, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023, Masters Tokyo 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

Crashies (Masters Berlin 2021, Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022, Masters Toronto 2025)

3 Finals Made

Derke (Masters Reykjavik 2021, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023, Masters Tokyo 2023)

FNS (Masters Berlin 2021, Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022)

yay (Masters Berlin 2021, Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022)

Marved (Masters Berlin 2021, Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022)

Victor (Masters Berlin 2021, Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022)

Sacy (Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022, Masters Madrid 2024)

aspas (Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023)

Less (Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023)

Saadhak (Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022, LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023)

Jinggg (Masters Copenhagen 2022, Champions LA 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

f0rsakeN (Masters Copenhagen 2022, Champions LA 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

d4v41 (Masters Copenhagen 2022, Champions LA 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

Alfajer (LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023, Masters Tokyo 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

Jawgemo (Masters Tokyo 2023, Champions LA 2023, Masters Bangkok 2025)

Meteor (Masters Madrid 2024, Masters Shanghai 2024, Masters Bangkok 2025)

2 Finals Made

TenZ (Masters Reykjavik 2021, Masters Madrid 2024)

nAts (Masters Berlin 2021, Champions Berlin 2021)

sheydos (Masters Berlin 2021, Champions Berlin 2021)

Redgar (Masters Berlin 2021, Champions Berlin 2021)

d3ffo (Masters Berlin 2021, Champions Berlin 2021)

pANcada (Masters Reykjavik 2022, Champions Istanbul 2022)

mindfreak (Masters Copenhagen 2022, Champions LA 2023)

something (Champions LA 2023, Masters Toronto 2025)

Leo (LOCK//IN Sao Paulo 2023, Masters Tokyo 2023)

Demon1 (Masters Tokyo 2023, Champions LA 2023)

C0M (Masters Tokyo 2023, Champions LA 2023)

Ethan (Masters Tokyo 2023, Champions LA 2023)

Boostio (Masters Tokyo 2023, Champions LA 2023)

t3xture (Masters Madrid 2024, Masters Shanghai 2024)

Munchkin (Masters Madrid 2024, Masters Shanghai 2024)

Karon (Masters Madrid 2024, Masters Shanghai 2024)

Lakia (Masters Madrid 2024, Masters Shanghai 2024)

benjyfishy (Masters Shanghai 2024, Champions Seoul 2024)

Wo0t (Masters Shanghai 2024, Champions Seoul 2024)

Boo (Masters Shanghai 2024, Champions Seoul 2024)

RieNs (Masters Shanghai 2024, Champions Seoul 2024)

DRG vs Rare Atom in the finals of 2023 China Ascension

I mean I wasn't a Heretics fan before 2024 so gotta be Toronto

I thought it would be Kickoff but in retrospect the players were all riddled with COVID, had been praccing with Weber and neilzinho and didn't take the off season too seriously, plus they only lost to the Kickoff finalists, one of which being near the top of EMEA basically all year so it's not too bad when you think about it

Toronto was just sadge tho

Goats slowly and Scales gonna mog everyone and run all the way to Champs finals through the sheer power of Tyglue whimsy

Elite

Bro was him in 2024 when the only 2 sentis people played were Cypher and Killjoy + he can play Viper, but his Vyse and Deadlock are ass and I'd imagine his primary smokes would be similarly ass

L take not picking ANGE1 for the agenda tho

Never cook again

paTiTek also valid cuz he has once worn a TH jersey

Brother WHAT is this

Only valid shout is SUYGETSU and Minny and even then highly debatable

RieNs
valyn
Sayonara
SimonD4rk
Meteor

I mean I don't really think Americas have any solid teams to send in their 3rd and 4th slots and the only hope for China sending an overall strong 4 is if EDG and Wolves get the points slots and get revived with time off into their peak forms

Then with Pacific I am incredibly suspect of RRQ. DRX and Talon on the international stage and idk if T1 will be back to their peak by the time Champs rolls around

Liquid FNC and TH are a strong top 3 for EMEA but if the 4th seed ends up being Vitality I think they'll shit the bed a bit. Hoping BBL takes the 4th slot cuz I think they have the best shot on the international stage out of the remaining EMEA teams

I will delude myself into picking RieNs for the agenda

Honestly I full trolled the China roster

Better option in terms of current form would probably be whzy happywei NoMan nobody and Spring

EMEA

Derke - Duelist
nAts - Senti IGL
Keiko - Smokes
RieNs - Initiator
Wo0t - Flex

Americas

valyn - Smokes IGL
trent - Initiator
JonahP - Flex
aspas - Duelist
Less - Sentinel

China

Zmjjkk - Duelist
CHICHOO - Sentinel
nobody - Initiator IGL
Spring - Smokes
Yuicaw - Flex

Pacific

Meteor - Sentinel
Jinggg - Duelist
f0rsakeN - Flex IGL
Monyet - Controller
PatMen - Initiator

Did I cook?

PRX, RRQ, T1, G2, SEN, XLG and BLG (plus one of Talon or DRX) I'm pretty sure are all auto qualified so for the rest of the teams I'm hoping are

From EMEA Heretics, Liquid and FNC have consistently been the best teams since Stage 1, and then I'm hoping BBL make it just cuz I like the team and they have the best chance of overtaking Vitality who I'm desperate not to make it

Then Americas I want KRU for the sake of tradition and then either LEV or 100T

And the last 2 China teams I want are Wolves (who can still make it off of Champs points and I'm fuckin praying with the time off they can return to Toronto form) and Tyloo cuz it'd be funny for them to make it over EDG

So I realise making a stats thread 2 days before the group stage ended was stupid so here's the updated version after the groups stage is done

Controller

1. TL Keiko - 1.21
2. NAVI Ruxic - 1.21
3. KC SUYGETSU - 1.17
4. BBL PROFEK - 1.09
5. FUT cNed - 1.05
6. GX grubinho - 1.05
7. KOI baddyG - 0.99
8. TH Boo - 0.94
9. VIT Kicks - 0.90
10. M8 Proxh - 0.85
11. FNC Boaster - 0.84
12. APK AvovA - 0.83

Average rating for Controller players (rounded up) - 1.01

Duelist

1. VIT Derke - 1.15
2. FNC kaajak - 1.14
3. BBL LewN - 1.07
4. TH MiniBoo - 1.07
5. KC marteen - 1.06
6. NAVI alexiiik - 1.06
7. TL kamo - 1.02 (blud went from 3rd to 7th in one game)
8. M8 Comeback - 1.00
9. APK penny - 0.99
10. GX ara - 0.94
11. FUT xeus - 0.89
12. KOI Filu - 0.85

Average rating for Duelist players (rounded up) - 1.02

Initiator

1. TH RieNs - 1.23
2. FNC crashies - 1.09
3. TL trexx - 1.09
4. BBL Jamppi - 1.03
5. M8 Veqaj - 0.98
6. FUT qRaxs - 0.95
7. NAVI Shao - 0.93
8. APK MOLSI - 0.93
9. GX Cloud - 0.91
10. VIT UNFAKE - 0.90
11. KOI flyuh - 0.88
12. KC saadhak - 0.85

Average rating for Initiator players (rounded up) - 0.98

Sentinel

1. VIT Less - 1.16
2. NAVI hiro - 1.14
3. TL nAts - 1.14
4. FNC Alfajer - 1.11
5. BBL MAGNUM - 1.04
6. FUT yetujey - 1.03
7. M8 Minny - 1.01
8. TH benjyfishy - 1.00
9. GX westside - 0.99
10. KC Elite - 0.99
11. KOI MONSTEERR - 0.98
12. APK OLIZERA - 0.92

Average rating for Sentinel players (rounded up) - 1.04

Flex

1. TH Wo0t - 1.21
2. KC Avez - 1.11
3. M8 kamyk - 0.98
4. TL paTiTek - 0.98
5. BBL sociablEE - 0.95
6. GX Flickless - 0.93
7. VIT KovaQ - 0.92
8. FNC Chronicle - 0.89
9. FUT MrFaliN - 0.88
10. APK batujnax - 0.86
11. KOI nataNk - 0.85
12. NAVI ANGE1 - 0.84

Average rating for Flex players (rounded up) - 0.95

Average player rating for each team rounded to 3 digits

1. Team Heretics - 1.09
2. Team Liquid - 1.09
3. NAVI - 1.04
4. BBL - 1.04
5. Karmine Corp - 1.04
6. FNATIC - 1.02
7. Team Vitality - 1.01
8. FUT - 0.96
9. Giant X - 0.96
10. Gentles Mates - 0.96
11. KOI - 0.91
12. APEKS - 0.91

o7 for the greatest thread of all time

You owe me an hour of my life back you bastard

I hate you

Mfs somehow ordered a delivery online after we'd already closed and scheduled it to get picked up 45 fucking minutes after we were supposed to close, then after the Uber eats driver was fuckin 10 minutes late on top of that they cancelled the order

Fuck you. I hate you random person

You're already mathematically relegated and are probably pulling out of Valorant entirely, so just drag the Falcons of Valorant down with you and deny them a spot at Paris it'd be so fucking funny