I was by no means a perfect student but now I have no higher education, at best I have 2 years of failed university. As soon as I signed up to the valorant beta on twitch, I had no idea what i was getting into. Quarantine was time to kill, 4 months before my first year at university started, I thought to myself, “ it’s only a few months, I can just try this new FPS game out, and be done with it. “ oh how I was so wrong. I blamed almost 7 hours a day, back then, I had no track of time, time was precious, but to me, it was like a few pennies down the drain. I was desperate to finish the beta battle pass, to get the sought after beta gun buddy. Who the fuck cares about a ingame souvenir right? But not me. I was dedicated. I got it. And it was possibly the worst decision I had ever made. The beta ended, time to chill? No. The hype consumed me, I was eager to play on the first release of valorant, some would say I was addicted. Video games at that point had taken over my life. At the time, I didn’t know how bad it was, how difficult it would be to detach myself, since I would binge the fuck out of casual games of csgo when I was in high school. You could blame quarantine and self isolation, but here, no one else is to blame but me. Anyway, I continued down the spiral, down the rabbit hole, consooming hiko/TenZ streams, consooming sova lineups from dafran and sinatraa. Consooming everything about valorant. I eat slept and breathed this disgusting plague. My parents didn’t care. We weren’t close at the time, they just left me to my instruments, since I was doing the same things I was doing back in HS (not America). The date of my online classes starting grew closer and closer. I was cruisin’. Not a care in the world, I was still engrossed valorant, I thought I could go pro or something, I was a fucking plat scrub(now imm2 but who cares tho(apparently me)). The day of my online classes came, my sleep schedule fucked, I was still watching TenZfrom the previous day (since he streams till late (5am )in my time zone). Still, I had no idea how much this quarantine bullshit had affected me, truly. I mean I was a fucking nerd, an introvert who stayed at home playing video games all day since long before. I had no idea the toll it had taken on me. In my zoom video class, they asked me to speak, to introduce myself, a hoarse weak rasp came out, I mean I didn’t talk to anyone what the fuck did I expect (no commer btw). At that moment, I felt an impending sense of doom right there. Right then I realised what had happened. The series of events, they just flew past me, I felt nauseous, like I was physically spiralling down into a drain. I held my head in my arms, I thought to myself, do I have some fucking social anxiety LET ME FUCKING SPEAK PROPERLY. from that moment onwards, I didn’t attend a single class from September till june, I stayed in my room, my parents had no care in the world, I fucking lied to them about everything. About the tests, the exams . Everything. Yet they were still paying college. The guilt. I mean, they’re my caregivers, and I simply had no care in the world yet I still felt guilt.I don’t know why did that. Why couldn’t I just tell them from day one? Ehy didn’t I reach out? Why didn’t I ask for mental help. No idea. I had no idea the damage that I had created for myself. It could all have been avoided so simply. Still to this day I haven’t told them. I just said I ‘failed’ they don’t know I didn’t attend a single class, a single lecture, a single assignment. Nothing. Just fucking playing vslorant all day till 3 am. Still didn’t reach out for help btw because I’m chill like that 😎. The only reason I’m typing this, is because I want to be free of the guilt, the guilt of not tell anyone. That is the main reason. So it’s out there. So someone can see what it’s like to be the dumbest human on the planet.
Iyen, Crunchy, help me with life :(
Discord